Blog 8
My Mother's Death & Putting her to Rest
How do you grieve for a mother you never knew? Who didn't want to know you or love you? The one who rejected you? The one who lied to you and denied you so much? The one who's decisions throughout her life affected yours in so many ways? The one person who caused you the most amount of emotional pain over the years by simply denying you even existed? The one who was meant to love and protect you, but didn't? I have no easy answers to these questions. And trust me, as futile as they are, I have many more questions just like these.
Even though I didn't know her, Sarah's passing affected me in many ways. There was no more hope that one day she might suddenly change her mind and want me in her life, to accept me and love me, to introduce me to my brothers who have been constant companions in my head all these years. I would never have the opportunity to speak with her and have my questions answered with honesty. The truth has gone with her to her grave. She has certainly left a hole. A big, black, complicated hole. Fifty years of secrets & lies left behind for me to fossick through.
I have always been pretty honest with myself about how I feel and have been an advocate of acknowledging your pain without being manipulated by guilt or shame, in order to move forward and find healing in whatever situation you are faced with. I also believe that pretending that everything is ok and not acknowledging your pain is futile as it catches up with you eventually. So in order for me to deal with this, I have had to push aside the guilt (massive) I feel for being angry with a dead person (my mother no less) to acknowledge where I am at with it all so that I can unpack it all, look at it, acknowledge it and eventually put it away and keep moving forward.
I am angry with my mother.
I am angry that she lied to me over and over and over. I am angry that she didn't love me or accept me. I am angry that she didn't protect me. I am angry that she was selfish and didn't ever take responsibility for her secrets and lies and how they impacted me. I am angry that she too was broken. I am angry that she never even acknowledged me and that I was her dirty little secret. And I am angry that she died. You have no idea how good it feels to be able to say (write) that!
I AM ANGRY WITH MY MOTHER!
And I loved her. But now she is gone. Just like that.
So much has happened over the last year or so that it is difficult to separate this one event from everything else that has happened as everything is so intertwined, but Sarah's passing was significant for me and as such it is important for me to to highlight it specifically, away from all the other exciting events that have occurred since. So, with that in mind, I will fill you in about the rest of the story later, but for now, I'm going to focus on Sarah and my journey (with her) since her death.
Initially, after hearing the news, I was determined to not allow her death to affect me. She didn't deserve my tears. That didn't last long. What I needed was closure, but I felt there were so many wrong doings that it was difficult to just walk away from it and say 'Oh well, that's over'. It wasn't over, not by a long shot. I felt unable to forgive her.
On a a side note; in speaking with Ruby and other family members in the weeks that followed and by putting some of the information together, I realised that I was actually in Adelaide (where Sarah lived) on the day of her passing, 14 months prior. Even stranger is the fact that when I was in Adelaide at that time, I took my parents to Centennial Park (Cemetery), which is where my Grandparents and other family members are interred, on the same day and at same time that Sarah's funeral was taking place at the same cemetery! Whilst Sarah's life was being remembered, I was there, I just had no idea at the time how meaningful that visit would turn out to be. Was this just a coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.
In the weeks that followed the news of Sarah's death and in the process of connecting with DNA matches on Ancestry DNA, as well as in conversations with Ruby & Nic, I realised that despite Sarah's passing, the door to my maternal family was well and truly open now and that maybe, just maybe, I could connect with my brothers. Again, Ruby & Nic were nothing but welcoming and open-hearted and were both such a great support for me. Over the coming weeks and months, they initiated contact between Sarah's brother Mick and I, as well as Sarah's husband Barry. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today and I will be forever grateful for them and the part they played in my journey.
In connecting with other members of Sarah's family it became apparent that Sarah had done a good job of keeping my existence a secret for 50+ years as even her brother Mick didn't know anything about me. Being the beautiful person that he is, and to his credit, he accepted me with open arms and gave me the acknowledgement and acceptance that I had wanted from Sarah for all those years!
In dealing with Sarah's husband Barry, things became a little more complicated. Sarah had told me that her husband didn't know about me, but it turns out that that wasn't true (another lie). Whilst the truth about what Barry knew and what he didn't is pretty patchy, it was evident that he had always known about me. It was also evident that Barry was either unable or unwilling to communicate with me openly and honestly. I suspected then, and still do, that Barry has many of the answers I am seeking, but I have no expectation that he will ever share them with me. I was also told that my brothers Josh and Cameron never knew about me. More on this later.
In the handful of conversations that I have had with Barry, it seems evident that he is still very much grieving Sarah's loss (understandably) and is fiercely protective of her and her memory, as well as his sons, despite the fact that they are both now grown men. I got the distinct impression that Barry will honour Sarah's decision to not acknowledge me until the day he dies as he seemed quite reluctant to talk to me. During those conversations I took every opportunity to ask him questions when I could, but I knew from his responses that he struggled to communicate with me. Obviously, I still wanted to know the truth about my biological father and his relationship with Sarah, especially considering the different stories that Sarah had given me all those years ago, so, I asked Barry if he knew who he was. Initially Barry told me that he couldn't tell me anything about it. Couldn't or wouldn't? I felt that he was not being honest with me so I probed some more and for some reason I asked him if my conception was consensual. He told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't but he refused to elaborate. I was in shock. That was a bit of an unexpected bombshell.
Am I the product of rape? How did I feel about that? Was this the truth, or another lie? Is this what Sarah told her husband Barry to cover her own shame? Or did Barry know this to be the truth? Or was he lying to me to protect Sarah's memory? Was my biological father a rapist? Did he go to jail?Do I even want to find him now? What does this make me? Why didn't Sarah tell me? So many more unanswered questions. I wish Sarah was alive.
It took me some time to process this information and in thinking it over and discussing it with people I trust, I came to the following conclusions; 1. I was put on this earth at a designated time for a designated purpose that is far greater than how I may or may not have been conceived, 2. how I was conceived has absolutely no bearing on my 'genetic' make up ie I don't carry 'rape' genes, 3. if I am the product of rape, then my life has 'counteracted' such a despicable act by me going on and living a good life full of love, joy and family and passing that legacy and attributes on to the next generation, and 4. that in seeking truth I am emotionally resilient to deal with anything, as long as it is the truth.
I have not spoken with Barry since that conversation over a year ago now. I have tried several times to call him but he won't take my calls. In the interim, I have made contact with his daughter-in-law Katie, who was very close to Sarah. Katie and I have spoken a few times and she has been wonderful and upfront and honest with me. Truth and honesty are worth gold to me and I have so appreciated her integrity in all of this. She and I have spoken about Barry's claims and Katie has also spoken with Barry who actually told her much more information than he told me, as follows; 1. That Sarah was raped at a party in Adelaide in 1966, 2. that she was raped by not one person, but two Maori brothers, 3. that there were multiple victims, and 4. that Sarah testified against her rapist. This information rocked me (again) as it seemed much more specific and menacing. It was also the kind of information that may be able to be verified through records. More on this later.
I guess the overwhelming feeling at this stage for me was the desire to find the truth in all of this. Good, bad or ugly...after 50 years of not knowing, and having spent the last 20 years with Sarah's lies echoing loudly in my head, I just wanted the truth. Surely I deserved that?
The only way I can kind of describe how I feel is with an analogy:
'If I was a book, I would be a book where the first few chapters are not only missing, but ripped out and stolen. Those chapters were the most important ones as they held key information about my core identity, my culture, to whom I belonged, where I belonged, as well as the reasons why I looked the way I did. Questions I have yearned to know the answers to for more than fifty years. Unanswered questions that ate away at my self worth over time. But there were people like Sarah and Barry who had those chapters, or parts thereof, in the palm of their hands, but they had made the decision to not give them to me because those chapters also contained things that brought them shame, yet to withhold them from me has brought me not only pain, but the inability to know who I am, my identity, my people and my culture, and most especially, my story. Because at the end of the day it is my story.'
I am angry with my mother again, and her husband.
It's been nearly two and a half years since Sarah passed away, and twelve months since I found out. Some days I am still angry with her, and others I am just sad. I guess it is a part of grieving not only her death, but grieving the loss of relationship with my mother. There have, however, been many exciting discoveries over the last few months including finding and meeting my biological father, which I will go into more detail in a future blog, but just know that in preparing to meet him, aside from the normal nerves and excitement, and despite trying to put them aside, the rape allegations were at the forefront of my mind. I needed to know what I was dealing with, whether my biological father was a rapist or not. I needed to know not only for my personal safety, but also for my peace of mind. The answer would determine what my relationship with my father would look like in the future. It felt like so much was weighing on this information, information I didn't have. Whilst I had made the decision to be upfront and ask him once I met him, I was so unsure about my ability to trust him, not because of who he is, but because of the amount of lies I had been told by my own mother, how do you trust what anyone else says? So, I made a radical, spur of the moment decision.
Three days prior to meeting my biological father for the first time, I met with a spiritual medium by the name of Marina Dee. She came highly recommended by a person who I respect a great deal, particularly in this field. Due to my very Christian upbringing, doing this sort of thing rated somewhere in between 'seriously weird' to 'outright evil and dabbling with the devil' kind of stuff. I didn't know exactly what I believed, but I was open and desperate to get some answers, from anywhere. On the drive to Marina's house, I kind of put it out there and began 'talking' to Sarah. I felt quite foolish but I wanted her to know that I needed to hear from her and to please show up. Weird I know! Upon my arrival to Marina's home, Marina flung open the front door and appeared annoyed. Seriously? She stated that she was relieved to see me as she had had a very noisy and persistent 'spirit' bothering her for the last hour or so. She told me that she could usually 'close them off', but with this one she was unable to. We went in to her reading room and she immediately asked me who 'Sarah' was. I told her that "Sarah' was my birth mother. Marina nodded and told me that 'Sarah' had been shouting "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again for the last hour or so. OMG. I was stunned. Marina then proceeded to pass on to me information from 'Sarah' and it felt like I was actually having a conversation with her. A pleasant, honest conversation. I received several answers that day but by the end of the reading I still hadn't received any clarity on the rape allegations. Marina asked me if the questions I had written down at the start of the reading had been answered. Nope. She asked me what the question was so I told her. Marina said that as soon as the question was out of my mouth Sarah was shaking her head saying "No, no no, I actually loved him". Sarah then went on the explain the reasons why she claimed rape which had a lot to do with her own father and the religious upbringing she received. This was verified by Ruby & Nic and other members of the family. Shortly after this Marina diverted from Sarah and was connecting with a friend of mine who passed away a year ago. During this reading Marina told me that Sarah kept interrupting her telling her to give me a cocktail. Apparently Sarah did this several times, getting louder each time Marina ignored her. I didn't understand the significance of this until later when I was talking with Sarah's daughter-in-law Katie, who explained to me that whilst Sarah did indeed used to enjoy a cocktail or two, a cocktail was also a metaphor she used in life to say "Come on, now that the shit's over, let's have a cocktail and move on". It was closure.
The time I spent talking with Sarah through Marina brought me the closure I was looking for. Sarah's apology was more powerful than I could ever have imagined and has given me the opportunity to forgive her and to start to develop a new healthy 'relationship' with my birth mother.
It is a new beginning for us and one that I never thought would come and for that I am so grateful.
My Mother's Death & Putting her to Rest
How do you grieve for a mother you never knew? Who didn't want to know you or love you? The one who rejected you? The one who lied to you and denied you so much? The one who's decisions throughout her life affected yours in so many ways? The one person who caused you the most amount of emotional pain over the years by simply denying you even existed? The one who was meant to love and protect you, but didn't? I have no easy answers to these questions. And trust me, as futile as they are, I have many more questions just like these.
Even though I didn't know her, Sarah's passing affected me in many ways. There was no more hope that one day she might suddenly change her mind and want me in her life, to accept me and love me, to introduce me to my brothers who have been constant companions in my head all these years. I would never have the opportunity to speak with her and have my questions answered with honesty. The truth has gone with her to her grave. She has certainly left a hole. A big, black, complicated hole. Fifty years of secrets & lies left behind for me to fossick through.
I have always been pretty honest with myself about how I feel and have been an advocate of acknowledging your pain without being manipulated by guilt or shame, in order to move forward and find healing in whatever situation you are faced with. I also believe that pretending that everything is ok and not acknowledging your pain is futile as it catches up with you eventually. So in order for me to deal with this, I have had to push aside the guilt (massive) I feel for being angry with a dead person (my mother no less) to acknowledge where I am at with it all so that I can unpack it all, look at it, acknowledge it and eventually put it away and keep moving forward.
I am angry with my mother.
I am angry that she lied to me over and over and over. I am angry that she didn't love me or accept me. I am angry that she didn't protect me. I am angry that she was selfish and didn't ever take responsibility for her secrets and lies and how they impacted me. I am angry that she too was broken. I am angry that she never even acknowledged me and that I was her dirty little secret. And I am angry that she died. You have no idea how good it feels to be able to say (write) that!
I AM ANGRY WITH MY MOTHER!
And I loved her. But now she is gone. Just like that.
So much has happened over the last year or so that it is difficult to separate this one event from everything else that has happened as everything is so intertwined, but Sarah's passing was significant for me and as such it is important for me to to highlight it specifically, away from all the other exciting events that have occurred since. So, with that in mind, I will fill you in about the rest of the story later, but for now, I'm going to focus on Sarah and my journey (with her) since her death.
Initially, after hearing the news, I was determined to not allow her death to affect me. She didn't deserve my tears. That didn't last long. What I needed was closure, but I felt there were so many wrong doings that it was difficult to just walk away from it and say 'Oh well, that's over'. It wasn't over, not by a long shot. I felt unable to forgive her.
On a a side note; in speaking with Ruby and other family members in the weeks that followed and by putting some of the information together, I realised that I was actually in Adelaide (where Sarah lived) on the day of her passing, 14 months prior. Even stranger is the fact that when I was in Adelaide at that time, I took my parents to Centennial Park (Cemetery), which is where my Grandparents and other family members are interred, on the same day and at same time that Sarah's funeral was taking place at the same cemetery! Whilst Sarah's life was being remembered, I was there, I just had no idea at the time how meaningful that visit would turn out to be. Was this just a coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.
In the weeks that followed the news of Sarah's death and in the process of connecting with DNA matches on Ancestry DNA, as well as in conversations with Ruby & Nic, I realised that despite Sarah's passing, the door to my maternal family was well and truly open now and that maybe, just maybe, I could connect with my brothers. Again, Ruby & Nic were nothing but welcoming and open-hearted and were both such a great support for me. Over the coming weeks and months, they initiated contact between Sarah's brother Mick and I, as well as Sarah's husband Barry. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today and I will be forever grateful for them and the part they played in my journey.
In connecting with other members of Sarah's family it became apparent that Sarah had done a good job of keeping my existence a secret for 50+ years as even her brother Mick didn't know anything about me. Being the beautiful person that he is, and to his credit, he accepted me with open arms and gave me the acknowledgement and acceptance that I had wanted from Sarah for all those years!
In dealing with Sarah's husband Barry, things became a little more complicated. Sarah had told me that her husband didn't know about me, but it turns out that that wasn't true (another lie). Whilst the truth about what Barry knew and what he didn't is pretty patchy, it was evident that he had always known about me. It was also evident that Barry was either unable or unwilling to communicate with me openly and honestly. I suspected then, and still do, that Barry has many of the answers I am seeking, but I have no expectation that he will ever share them with me. I was also told that my brothers Josh and Cameron never knew about me. More on this later.
In the handful of conversations that I have had with Barry, it seems evident that he is still very much grieving Sarah's loss (understandably) and is fiercely protective of her and her memory, as well as his sons, despite the fact that they are both now grown men. I got the distinct impression that Barry will honour Sarah's decision to not acknowledge me until the day he dies as he seemed quite reluctant to talk to me. During those conversations I took every opportunity to ask him questions when I could, but I knew from his responses that he struggled to communicate with me. Obviously, I still wanted to know the truth about my biological father and his relationship with Sarah, especially considering the different stories that Sarah had given me all those years ago, so, I asked Barry if he knew who he was. Initially Barry told me that he couldn't tell me anything about it. Couldn't or wouldn't? I felt that he was not being honest with me so I probed some more and for some reason I asked him if my conception was consensual. He told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't but he refused to elaborate. I was in shock. That was a bit of an unexpected bombshell.
Am I the product of rape? How did I feel about that? Was this the truth, or another lie? Is this what Sarah told her husband Barry to cover her own shame? Or did Barry know this to be the truth? Or was he lying to me to protect Sarah's memory? Was my biological father a rapist? Did he go to jail?Do I even want to find him now? What does this make me? Why didn't Sarah tell me? So many more unanswered questions. I wish Sarah was alive.
It took me some time to process this information and in thinking it over and discussing it with people I trust, I came to the following conclusions; 1. I was put on this earth at a designated time for a designated purpose that is far greater than how I may or may not have been conceived, 2. how I was conceived has absolutely no bearing on my 'genetic' make up ie I don't carry 'rape' genes, 3. if I am the product of rape, then my life has 'counteracted' such a despicable act by me going on and living a good life full of love, joy and family and passing that legacy and attributes on to the next generation, and 4. that in seeking truth I am emotionally resilient to deal with anything, as long as it is the truth.
I have not spoken with Barry since that conversation over a year ago now. I have tried several times to call him but he won't take my calls. In the interim, I have made contact with his daughter-in-law Katie, who was very close to Sarah. Katie and I have spoken a few times and she has been wonderful and upfront and honest with me. Truth and honesty are worth gold to me and I have so appreciated her integrity in all of this. She and I have spoken about Barry's claims and Katie has also spoken with Barry who actually told her much more information than he told me, as follows; 1. That Sarah was raped at a party in Adelaide in 1966, 2. that she was raped by not one person, but two Maori brothers, 3. that there were multiple victims, and 4. that Sarah testified against her rapist. This information rocked me (again) as it seemed much more specific and menacing. It was also the kind of information that may be able to be verified through records. More on this later.
I guess the overwhelming feeling at this stage for me was the desire to find the truth in all of this. Good, bad or ugly...after 50 years of not knowing, and having spent the last 20 years with Sarah's lies echoing loudly in my head, I just wanted the truth. Surely I deserved that?
The only way I can kind of describe how I feel is with an analogy:
'If I was a book, I would be a book where the first few chapters are not only missing, but ripped out and stolen. Those chapters were the most important ones as they held key information about my core identity, my culture, to whom I belonged, where I belonged, as well as the reasons why I looked the way I did. Questions I have yearned to know the answers to for more than fifty years. Unanswered questions that ate away at my self worth over time. But there were people like Sarah and Barry who had those chapters, or parts thereof, in the palm of their hands, but they had made the decision to not give them to me because those chapters also contained things that brought them shame, yet to withhold them from me has brought me not only pain, but the inability to know who I am, my identity, my people and my culture, and most especially, my story. Because at the end of the day it is my story.'
I am angry with my mother again, and her husband.
It's been nearly two and a half years since Sarah passed away, and twelve months since I found out. Some days I am still angry with her, and others I am just sad. I guess it is a part of grieving not only her death, but grieving the loss of relationship with my mother. There have, however, been many exciting discoveries over the last few months including finding and meeting my biological father, which I will go into more detail in a future blog, but just know that in preparing to meet him, aside from the normal nerves and excitement, and despite trying to put them aside, the rape allegations were at the forefront of my mind. I needed to know what I was dealing with, whether my biological father was a rapist or not. I needed to know not only for my personal safety, but also for my peace of mind. The answer would determine what my relationship with my father would look like in the future. It felt like so much was weighing on this information, information I didn't have. Whilst I had made the decision to be upfront and ask him once I met him, I was so unsure about my ability to trust him, not because of who he is, but because of the amount of lies I had been told by my own mother, how do you trust what anyone else says? So, I made a radical, spur of the moment decision.
Three days prior to meeting my biological father for the first time, I met with a spiritual medium by the name of Marina Dee. She came highly recommended by a person who I respect a great deal, particularly in this field. Due to my very Christian upbringing, doing this sort of thing rated somewhere in between 'seriously weird' to 'outright evil and dabbling with the devil' kind of stuff. I didn't know exactly what I believed, but I was open and desperate to get some answers, from anywhere. On the drive to Marina's house, I kind of put it out there and began 'talking' to Sarah. I felt quite foolish but I wanted her to know that I needed to hear from her and to please show up. Weird I know! Upon my arrival to Marina's home, Marina flung open the front door and appeared annoyed. Seriously? She stated that she was relieved to see me as she had had a very noisy and persistent 'spirit' bothering her for the last hour or so. She told me that she could usually 'close them off', but with this one she was unable to. We went in to her reading room and she immediately asked me who 'Sarah' was. I told her that "Sarah' was my birth mother. Marina nodded and told me that 'Sarah' had been shouting "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again for the last hour or so. OMG. I was stunned. Marina then proceeded to pass on to me information from 'Sarah' and it felt like I was actually having a conversation with her. A pleasant, honest conversation. I received several answers that day but by the end of the reading I still hadn't received any clarity on the rape allegations. Marina asked me if the questions I had written down at the start of the reading had been answered. Nope. She asked me what the question was so I told her. Marina said that as soon as the question was out of my mouth Sarah was shaking her head saying "No, no no, I actually loved him". Sarah then went on the explain the reasons why she claimed rape which had a lot to do with her own father and the religious upbringing she received. This was verified by Ruby & Nic and other members of the family. Shortly after this Marina diverted from Sarah and was connecting with a friend of mine who passed away a year ago. During this reading Marina told me that Sarah kept interrupting her telling her to give me a cocktail. Apparently Sarah did this several times, getting louder each time Marina ignored her. I didn't understand the significance of this until later when I was talking with Sarah's daughter-in-law Katie, who explained to me that whilst Sarah did indeed used to enjoy a cocktail or two, a cocktail was also a metaphor she used in life to say "Come on, now that the shit's over, let's have a cocktail and move on". It was closure.
The time I spent talking with Sarah through Marina brought me the closure I was looking for. Sarah's apology was more powerful than I could ever have imagined and has given me the opportunity to forgive her and to start to develop a new healthy 'relationship' with my birth mother.
It is a new beginning for us and one that I never thought would come and for that I am so grateful.
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