Blog 7
Connecting with Family
To suddenly have the information I had craved so much for so long in front of me was overwhelming to say the least. To know my heritage...finally! But, nothing ever stays still and I had more questions and therefore wanted more answers, from both sides of my biological families. This proved to be problematic for a number of reasons. Remember earlier when I said that situations like this tend to be quite complex and complicated? Well, that is exactly what I found.
So, where to start? Well, maybe with the initial contact. To preface this, twenty years ago, when I had first made contact with Sarah, my birth mother, I had actually started by looking up her surname in the White Pages. At the time, I had spoken with a lovely lady by the name of Ruby. Ruby's husband Nic, was my mother's first cousin and both he and Ruby were who I had inadvertently made initial contact with all those years ago. They had both made it possible for me to meet Sarah at that time. Twenty years later, after receiving my DNA information, and after sending out probably ten or so inquiries to DNA matches, I received an email back from a lady by the name of Ruby, sharing with me how she is the family historian and that she also manages her husband's DNA profile (who I was matched to) but she was unable to see how I was connected to the family. She mentioned that she knew of only one child in the family that had been adopted out but that I wasn't she. Ruby requested more information which I sent, but not before remembering who she was. As it had been twenty years since we had had contact, I had initially forgotten her name, but after receiving her email there was definitely something familiar. After a couple of days it dawned on me that this was the Ruby that I had spoken with all those years ago.
Within a few hours I received a response from Ruby requesting my phone number stating that she needed to speak with me.
That day Ruby very kindly and empathetically advised me over the phone that Sarah had passed away in 2016.
Connecting with Family
To suddenly have the information I had craved so much for so long in front of me was overwhelming to say the least. To know my heritage...finally! But, nothing ever stays still and I had more questions and therefore wanted more answers, from both sides of my biological families. This proved to be problematic for a number of reasons. Remember earlier when I said that situations like this tend to be quite complex and complicated? Well, that is exactly what I found.
So, where to start? Well, maybe with the initial contact. To preface this, twenty years ago, when I had first made contact with Sarah, my birth mother, I had actually started by looking up her surname in the White Pages. At the time, I had spoken with a lovely lady by the name of Ruby. Ruby's husband Nic, was my mother's first cousin and both he and Ruby were who I had inadvertently made initial contact with all those years ago. They had both made it possible for me to meet Sarah at that time. Twenty years later, after receiving my DNA information, and after sending out probably ten or so inquiries to DNA matches, I received an email back from a lady by the name of Ruby, sharing with me how she is the family historian and that she also manages her husband's DNA profile (who I was matched to) but she was unable to see how I was connected to the family. She mentioned that she knew of only one child in the family that had been adopted out but that I wasn't she. Ruby requested more information which I sent, but not before remembering who she was. As it had been twenty years since we had had contact, I had initially forgotten her name, but after receiving her email there was definitely something familiar. After a couple of days it dawned on me that this was the Ruby that I had spoken with all those years ago.
This is the email I sent her that day:
Hi again Ruby,
I have my biological birth certificate and know who my birth mother is. Since getting your first email, your name was familiar to me and today after going through some paperwork I realised who you were. I am Sarah's daughter and I had contact with you many years ago. After you & I corresponded back then, Sarah and I met twice briefly but she didn't want to maintain contact with me. I was pretty devastated and the feelings of rejection certainly surfaced again. I also wanted to get to know my brothers, however, Sarah told me that neither they or her husband knew about me and that she didn't want them to. I didn't want to threaten or upset her relationship with her sons or husband, so I have honoured her wishes all these years, but I think of them often and wish things could be different.
I have always felt Sarah's rejection as a great loss and have tried to understand why she didn't want anything to do with me but never come up with any answers. I have always wished her well and hoped that she could find peace within herself about me. When I met her I felt that she hadn't dealt with having given up a child for adoption and I knew that she was angry with me for reminding her of it. I was really sad about that and in no way wanted to bring her any grief but felt that I had a right to know who I was.
When I met with Sarah I managed to get a little bit of information from her about my heritage, however, she told me two different stories about my father so I didn't know what to believe and have always wondered about my cultural heritage & paternal parentage due to the fact that I've always looked different. As such, when DNA testing became an option, I took the opportunity to find out more.
I am assuming that my English roots come from Sarah's side of the family. I am also 7% Irish. Do you know anything about my Polynesian roots? Sarah told me that my father was English, but that wouldn't account for the 39% Polynesian DNA result! I am pretty confused at the moment but am excited to at least find out a few things about my cultural heritage.
Can I ask...how are Sarah & the boys? I really hope that they are well & happy.
I would love to keep in touch with you if you are ok for me to do so.
Take care.
Kind Regards,
Emma
Hi again Ruby,
I have my biological birth certificate and know who my birth mother is. Since getting your first email, your name was familiar to me and today after going through some paperwork I realised who you were. I am Sarah's daughter and I had contact with you many years ago. After you & I corresponded back then, Sarah and I met twice briefly but she didn't want to maintain contact with me. I was pretty devastated and the feelings of rejection certainly surfaced again. I also wanted to get to know my brothers, however, Sarah told me that neither they or her husband knew about me and that she didn't want them to. I didn't want to threaten or upset her relationship with her sons or husband, so I have honoured her wishes all these years, but I think of them often and wish things could be different.
I have always felt Sarah's rejection as a great loss and have tried to understand why she didn't want anything to do with me but never come up with any answers. I have always wished her well and hoped that she could find peace within herself about me. When I met her I felt that she hadn't dealt with having given up a child for adoption and I knew that she was angry with me for reminding her of it. I was really sad about that and in no way wanted to bring her any grief but felt that I had a right to know who I was.
When I met with Sarah I managed to get a little bit of information from her about my heritage, however, she told me two different stories about my father so I didn't know what to believe and have always wondered about my cultural heritage & paternal parentage due to the fact that I've always looked different. As such, when DNA testing became an option, I took the opportunity to find out more.
I am assuming that my English roots come from Sarah's side of the family. I am also 7% Irish. Do you know anything about my Polynesian roots? Sarah told me that my father was English, but that wouldn't account for the 39% Polynesian DNA result! I am pretty confused at the moment but am excited to at least find out a few things about my cultural heritage.
Can I ask...how are Sarah & the boys? I really hope that they are well & happy.
I would love to keep in touch with you if you are ok for me to do so.
Take care.
Kind Regards,
Emma
Within a few hours I received a response from Ruby requesting my phone number stating that she needed to speak with me.
That day Ruby very kindly and empathetically advised me over the phone that Sarah had passed away in 2016.
I felt numb.
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